You are merely a pawn in the grand scheme of things. Yes.
I read the tale of Orpheus and Eurydice in 2016. I was pretty amazed at how fate manifested itself through the choices little old Orpheus made. Although, being a rationalist then, I dismissed the story as a device of manipulating one into feeling like they are not in control. If you haven’t read it, basically, there is this big-shot artist/poet Orpheus who lives in ancient Greece. Falls in love with Eurydice. A bunch of things happen. They are separated. Orpheus has to now slip away through existence without the comfort of his love. I won’t spoil the story for you anymore.
So, back to me. I thought it was rubbish. Gods and will and fate and whatever nonsense is thrown at me as a justification for why the world is so unfair. ‘You make your own luck’ — yes, that was me.
And so life went on. Things changed. I steered away from rationality and threw myself at the mercy of authors like Dostoevsky, who were adamant in their beliefs — you are to suffer and suffer only, and that is how you find meaning. Fair enough, life seemed to be like that, and it all made sense.
So one day, I wake up randomly in the middle of the night only to realize that I have chained myself at the corner of the room. No, I am not a werewolf, and it wasn’t a full moon. I have locked myself in because I am afraid to step out. I am scared to face whatever’s there on the outside. I hesitate to keep my heart open. I have been suffocated before; I have been stranded on desolate lands with no souls to be seen. I have been left alone to suffer. I do not want that anymore, so I lock myself in. I do not trust myself, and thus I cannot be free.
We’re back at Orpheus again. Like him, my actions do not feel like my own, and so I don’t trust myself with freedom. I have to remain in chains; the world outside does not suit me. I have to keep reminding myself of that. And because the reminders are not enough, I have to chain myself in.
Just then, I see a bright light seep inside the room through the keyhole. I go closer to the light, and a voice speaks to me.
“Step outside; I shall guide you.”
“Nah, I don’t trust you.”
“It’s okay. My existence is tied to your freedom. Come, hold me, soak me in; I exist for you.”
“No, I have decided I won’t venture outside ever again.”
“Okay, but I am going to be here always; if you change your mind.”
I won’t be seduced by the light. It’s far. I can’t even see it clearly. I have been here before. I shouldn’t trust it.
“I was thinking about you; in fact, you are all I think about,” the light calls for me again.
I go closer to the door, and I get a slight glimpse.
“It’s okay, you can step outside, do not be afraid of the darkness. I am here,” the light seems better than the ones from the past- “when you come outside, maybe you can come and meet me at the source.”
My hands begin to move by themselves and begin unlocking the chain. I hesitate still, but something inside me moves, and I move with it. The chain is undone, and I crawl my way to the door. I turn the handle, and the light grows brighter and brighter in anticipation. In one moment of divine intervention, I unlock my door completely and step outside. I move towards the light. It is almost blinding. My steps move quicker, and I am finally over my fears as I move. I look back, but my door is now out of sight. My comfort space is now lost, for the light is what I now hold on to.
I walk on and on and begin to smile. I am genuinely happy now. I close my eyes for one moment to thank my heart for taking a chance once more. I open my eyes and suddenly find myself in complete darkness. The light is gone.
