I have always been an anxious person. Butterflies in the pit of my stomach, uncontrollable nausea, weak arms and legs, brain fog, heart skipping beats, extreme headaches, and whatnot!
The first time I knew it was anxiety was when I went to a full-residential school, away from home, for the first time. I was in grade 7, a healthy kid, and ate a lot. As the day I’d leave home for 5 years with only one vacation per year came closer, I lost my appetite. No matter what, I couldn’t eat. Worried my mother would cook my favourite foods. Chicken, chickpea curry, fried potatoes, Rayo saag — I couldn’t stomach anything. Everyone was worried, I went for a checkup, and everything came out normal. This was 2007, I think; I was given a Diegene to suck on and was sent on my way.
On the day I was supposed to travel, I pooped 6 times. It was weird, it must be something I ate, but by the time we left, I felt fine. I did not eat, however.
The next day, I reached Kathmandu and was sent on my way to school, and for one month, I only ate 2 pieces of bread and a cup of tea each day. I settled in slowly, began eating a little, and soon I was downing plates full of rice on the famous chicken days at school 3 days a week.
After that, my problems sort of subsided. A bad stomach had never been my primary anxiety symptom. I’ve had nausea because of anxiety before, but once the food was inside my system, the involuntary process of digestion worked pretty well! Besides that, my major symptom then were headaches, and as I was told — my allergic rhinitis was a gift from anxiety as well.
Fast forward to 2020, and the pandemic hits the world; I come back from college and get stuck at home. My plans were destroyed, and the fear of covid and of covid killing my grandparents made my life a living hell. People at my home weren’t serious enough, and it seemed like they did not care. The fear of covid and the fact that my plans were done for — I had an offer from a college in Germany, and I couldn’t go — had me going through panic attacks every other day.
Head spinning, hot flushes, burning hands and feet, headaches, brain fog, lump in my throat, brain fog, blurred vision, the list goes on. I began sitting on my bed all day, only ever exiting the room to eat and use the bathroom. Mind you, I wasn’t even using a chair. I would lie on my back in the bed all day, curled up like those construction pipes stacked in circles. My backbone looked like Marx’s sickle, but there was no revolution.
And then it came. My stomach stopped digesting food altogether. Got checked up — GERD, Gastroparesis — that was the conclusion. I was put on PPIs and this motility drug called Domperidone for 2 months, and the Doctor specifically asked me to ONLY use my bed when sleeping, move around a lot, exercise (high intensity) at least 45 minutes a day, and finally keep my spine straight. Surprise Surprise! I did none of that.
I did not get any better. Got tested again for parasites. Had some giardia cysts, and god knows where they came from. He was put on antibiotics (Metronidazole) for 5 days. Then came another kind of infection that I have no clue about, but it was something relating to my lymph nodes. Slapped with 7 days antibiotics. Test again, giardia again, Tinidazole (single dose 2g) this time. Felt like I was better while on the drugs, but 4–5 days after treatment, I was back at my worst. I got severe bloating, and my bowel moments became irregular. The Doctor said it’s probably because of antibiotics, and it should subside in a few days. News flash — it didn’t!
I’ve had enough. I was not going anywhere, afraid that I might have to poop at times and places where I couldn’t, and that terrified me. It was embarrassing to talk about to people as well. I decided to give the doctors one more shot and got an endoscopy done. Awful procedure!
I was given 20mg of amitriptyline, and I was told there was some inflammation in my stomach. I was asked to take Domperidone again, but not thrice a day like the first Doctor had me on. The amitriptyline was magic! I was sleeping well, I was less anxious, and my bowel moments finally felt moderately ‘normal’! I was ready to start travelling again.
My happiness would be short-lived, however. Right after my dosage was reduced to 5mg/day, I found another reason to be anxious about it. Enter College applications! I was applying to colleges for a writing MFA, and the rejections started pouring in. I tried to smile my way through them, but there was only so much I could do. My resolve took a massive hit when the final rejection came in, AND my friends began leaving the country to pursue their careers! It was carnage inside my stomach! It burned like I had swallowed balls of fiery metal right off the burner. My head hurt. I got weak. Sometimes I was constipated, and sometimes, I had diarrhoea.
This is the funniest thing about anxiety. Anxiety gives you headaches and tummy issues, then you get more anxious about headaches and tummy issues, and then it becomes a cycle. Anytime I was asked to travel anywhere, I would immediately get the burns because I was anxious my stomach couldn’t handle travelling!
That is where my best friend comes in. She had been asking me to come visit her in Pokhara for the longest time. Her family wouldn’t allow her to come to Janakpur (where I lived), so I was to go. I couldn’t talk to her about my problem because poop was embarrassing to talk about, for me at least. I mean, what was I supposed to say? “I can’t come because I am scared that I might have to poop while on the bus?” Or perhaps, “I can’t come because I am afraid that the bus will leave me at Pokhara bus park at 2:30 AM, and what do I do if I have to poop?” — useful information if you are ever travelling from Janakpur to Pokhara, the bus DOES leave you at Pokhara’s Prithvi Chowk bus park between 2–3 AM. Anyway, I couldn’t go, nor could I tell her the truth!
I was getting better, though. I had been gymming for a while, and I was in a much better place than before. I would always be stuck in this loop of “maybe 1 more week of exercise can fix me, and then I can go meet her”, and it didn’t. I gave it another week. Slight luck, but not 100%. I was soon about to move to Kathmandu, from where the distance to Pokhara isn’t a lot. I could be in Pokhara by 3 PM if I took the bus at 7. That seemed a lot more doable than sitting on the bus at 2 PM in Janakpur and getting dropped up the next morning at 2:30 AM. So that is what I told her, “Let me go to Kathmandu, and the very next weekend, I shall be there, beside you, watching the Pokhara sunset over the Phewa.”
I have gained a little more confidence when it comes to travelling. To top it off, I am also moving to Kathmandu in a couple of days now. Pokhara is but one microbus away, but somehow, it seems an eternity apart!
